The Nickles family is expecting baby number 4!
We were surprised this past November when we found out. We weren’t trying and we had many different plans that we were pursuing that didn’t involve a new baby. It was, honestly, too overwhelming at the time. There was so much going on at the time we found out, I felt like a new baby would make things so much more complicated. I was depressed about it and couldn’t find that “new baby excitement” in me. My husband found it instantly. I tried, but it didn’t come so soon.
The thing is, I was right. Babies do make things more complicated. BUT they also make things more beautiful and worth it. I was so blinded by MY plans that I had for our family and MY plans of what I wanted to do that I forgot to look at GOD’s plan and HIS beautiful work.
I had just started my certified herbalism journey and I was hoping to keep the momentum up with distributing herbal tea with that. I had just received a new job as a social media assistant with Earthley Wellness (an herbal wellness company that I’ve been an affiliate with for a year and some months). I had just gotten to some intense workouts with kickboxing and I was getting back into good shape. The boys and I had gotten onto a good routine with their homeschool journey. Then BAM the nausea hit me. HARD. Next, the fatigue and hot flashes. Then came the intense cravings. Last, the feeling of not having the energy to do anything. And that’s when I knew… that I had to be pregnant.
I prayed that I wasn’t. Is that bad? It sounds bad. I prayed that I was just going through my menstrual cycle and these were just symptoms that I was about to start my monthly. I knew better though. After a week of the symptoms, I bought a test. Within SECONDS, the digital stick said PREGNANT.
That afternoon, I wrapped up the stick in a box and made it look like it had just came in the mail. I gave it to my husband as an “early birthday present”. His reaction was, “NUH UH!” He thought I was joking at first and was a little not so happy about it. But then he got SO excited. He was immediately happy about it.
I wondered why I wasn’t so happy.
Why was I not feeling those excitement feelings that I got with the other three babies? After I thought about it, all of the stuff I listed above made sense. Plus, I’m still breastfeeding our youngest. He’s still in his attachment needy phase (which doesn’t ever really go away completely, but it does ease off). Everything going on with the virus going around and the hospitals being the last place anyone should be right now.
Something else was missing though. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was SO uneasy and depressed about having a new baby?
When I would get into those modes of feeling bad about it, I would start to feel bad about feeling bad. It would be a downward spiral from there. Why was this happening? What ELSE was going on?
Then I was asked the question by a friend, “Have you had a doctor’s appointment yet? Which doctor are you going to use?”
I started searching and asking around in my groups on Facebook about doctors in my area. Then I felt strong anxiety coming on about seeing an OBGYN again. I was terrified and anxious about going into an OBGYN office and having them tell me what they wanted to do and I’d have to say no to a lot of things that they recommend. Including wearing a mask while birthing my baby in the hospital.
I thought about my previous experiences and thought about what I went through with them. In the moment, they all felt like a miraculous and beautiful experience. But as I began to open my eyes some more, I noticed some things.
With our first born
I noticed that they wouldn’t let me get up off of the bed to walk around. They told me that I had to stay on my back the whole time. I was also induced with Pitocin and no pain medication. Vaginal delivery, 4th degree episiotomy, and a very rough doctor (one out of the 5 that I had become familiar with) who made sure I felt every stitch. But I was healthy and the 10lb baby was healthy! I didn’t think about any of that other stuff. I ignored the bad and focused on the good. Baby was fully vaccinated and no complaints from the nurses or pediatrician.
With our second born
The doctors were so much nicer it seemed. The doctor I saw the most told me that she was worried of dystocia with our big baby boy who was measuring 8lbs at 37 weeks and that she would like to schedule a c-section. I told her that I wanted to have a vaginal birth and so she settled for a scheduled induction. I was induced at 39 weeks with Pitocin and had a vaginal delivery with no pain medication. She broke my water and it went right on schedule. A second degree tear came from it, but this baby boy was bigger than our first. Again, I was healthy and baby boy was healthy! I wasn’t as knowledgeable on vaccines, so baby was fully vaccinated. I didn’t think about the interference as a bad thing because of how joyful our new blessing brought.
With out third born
My main doctor was SO sweet! She was soft spoken and she was from the town that my mother in law lives in. We connected well and had a few things in common. I met the other doctors, but didn’t make a connection with them like I did with her. I was just starting to do more research about certain things to do with natural birth and also with va66ines. I denied every shot offered to me. My doctors didn’t bat an eye. They seemed okay with it. I asked questions about them possibly offering water birth in the hospital and she turned that down without question.
I went into labor naturally(for the first time) and we headed to the hospital. I got all the way to 7 cm dilated without anything other than an IV. Then a doctor came in(one of the two who were alternating with my care) and said that he was going to hook me up to Pitocin to see if it will speed things up, so that my water will break. There wasn’t a question, just an “we need to do this so baby is healthy” type of intimidation. My water hadn’t broke at that point.
The other doctor came in and said that she was going to sweep my membranes and as she did that, my water was broke. My husband looked at me and said, “Kayla, she just broke your water.” I was caught up in the moment and reassured him that it’s okay. Didn’t think twice about it, because she was a doctor. Plus, my pain was even more intense with the Pitocin in me. I didn’t have intense pain until that Pitocin hit. I felt stuck on the bed, because I was hooked to the IV.
After baby was born, I made sure to do a golden hour with full skin to skin. No one was going to enter the room or anything. Then they started having issues with my bleeding. I didn’t tear and no episiotomy this time. My husband told me that the doctor pulled him aside and said that I probably shouldn’t have anymore babies since I couldn’t handle the pain that well.
We denied all vaccinations with this baby and you should’ve seen the expression on the pediatrician’s face when he came in to argue. He used all kinds of tactics to make me scared of leaving the hospital without vaccinating our child. Then he tried to talk to my husband when I was having care in the bathroom. I came out of the bathroom and I saw the doctor walk out all mad. My husband had told him that I’ve done all the research on these things, so I make all of the decisions on that. God bless him.
After thinking about all of those experiences…
and doing more research, talking with other ladies in my “crunchy” community, praying diligently, I was able to see that there are other options out there. I don’t have to go with what I did before just because it’s known as “normal”. I don’t have to go to see an OBGYN if it’s bringing me that crippling anxiety. I don’t have to choose to go into the hospital if I don’t want to.
I talked to my husband and he agreed with the things that I was feeling.
So I began another search.
For a midwife who does home births! This search started a whole new overwhelming feeling of doubt and fear that I wasn’t organized enough, socialized enough, or prepared enough to do this. I just didn’t know enough. It helped with the anxiety of going back into the hospital, but that lingering fear of not being enough stayed.
Then I started reaching out to midwives in my area and peace came over me. I was making the right decision. I prayed when I found one that I felt would fit our family well. We’re setting up a virtual interview and I feel like things will be able to move forward. I’ll keep you updated! Stay tuned!
We’d love to have a water birth, but need to make sure that we’ll be able to accommodate that!
We didn’t make this decision out of fear.
We made this decision out of prayer, wisdom, and protection over our peace. Giving birth is supposed to be painful, yes, but it’s also supposed to be beautiful and peaceful. Our hospital experiences were not that. What better place to have our baby than where we already have relaxation and peace?
I feel like God will bless this experience! Our God is an awesome God!
We need your help!
We appreciate all of the support and prayers from each of you. We need all of those that we can get with our large family and this new change. My husband and I both struggle with anxiety, depression, and pleasing others. We know that God has His hand in this and we know that your prayers help.
Also, in order to pay for our home birth, we will be paying out of pocket. Our insurance won’t cover a home birth. With that being said, all of the commissions earned from my affiliate links will be put aside to pay for the funds of this home birth and my prenatal and postnatal care. You can find those at the top of the website under the affiliate links tab on the menu! There’s Earthley Wellness, Simply Earth, The Herbal Academy, and Damsel in Defense.
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Have you had a home birth?
Please share with me your experience! I would love to add it to the site and start a whole new tab made just for birth stories! And I especially would love some home birth ones! Email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org !